I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
