dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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