At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
