Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
