I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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