Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Blood and glitter go together right?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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