You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
