Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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