Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
