he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
