My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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