I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
