If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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