im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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