I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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