Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
