K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
