Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
