Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
