Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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