This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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