Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
