Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
