I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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