i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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