i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
