and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
