Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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