I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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