I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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