I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
