Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
