I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
