apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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