I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
