dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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