I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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