Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
