I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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