I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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