I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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