shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
