Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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