some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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