If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
