apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
