My room smells like vodka and shame
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
