3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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