an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
