its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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