Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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