I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize