he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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