i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize