Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
it glows. i had to have it.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
