The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
