my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
