Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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